Illustrations by Ben Capozzi, Amy Splitt, and Pris Sears, click images for large versions.
Makes almost as much sense as the real thing. Grab your 10 sided dice, let's dork out and play.
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There are 6 rounds, June - November. There are cards for events, defenses, and allies. Starting out with 10 electability points, we drew a candidate card. Pris: I get McCain! Amy: Obama! [Coin toss] |
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Amy: Heads. Obama goes first. I'm going to put down Tim Kaine. He gives me a plus on Balanced Budget but a minus on Education.
Pris: Now Obama puts down an event card.
Amy: "Slow News Week!" I get to play a celebrity endorsement. I got "George Clooney." He gives me a huge contribution and tries to influence public opinion.
Pris: I am going to respond to George Clooney's antics with a "Sanctimony" card. "No American should care about an endorsement from Hollywood, that cesspool of moral decay!" It's a best two out of three roll-off, my sanctimonious stance gives me a +11.
[A flurry of rolling ensues with McCain winning handily.]
Amy: You basically kicked my ass.
Pris: Yes. The public was not impressed with George Clooney. Now it's McCain's turn. I will play "Crazy Preacher Friend!" That docks you 5 points on your roll-off. Amy: I'm going to respond with... Hey, why is "The Race Card" in here?? That's just offensive. All right, FINE , I drew this at random, remember. "You can't judge because you don't understand the history of the African American church and my own search for identity when I came into his church as a young man. Although I deplore the invective of my Crazy Preacher Friend, I support that it is coming from a struggle that you have no comprehension of." I roll a 75. What appeared to be inflammatory invective was in fact challenging rhetoric bringing to light issues we would all rather forget. |
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Pris: McCain rolls a 12!
Amy: As well he should, because that was just dirty. My crazy preacher friend. Just because he says things doesn't mean I believe them all the time. Just in church! ... We're going to get in trouble.
Pris: On to July!
Amy: I am going to put down "Hillary Clinton." If I choose her as VP I get to draw an extra "Celebrity Endorsement" card. Now I'm playing "Bad Economy!" What are you going to do about it? I am challenging you on the issues, John McCain!
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Pris: I am going to respond with a "Compassion" card. I feel for the American Public at the gas tank and in the grocery store. Amy: Does it give you any special advantages? Pris: Doesn't look like it. I roll a 93! The public is initially swayed by my speech. Amy: I roll a 71. Apparently nobody really believes I know squat about the economy. Pris: Never go on the offensive talking about the economy. Just don't. Now I am going to play "Joe Lieberman." "Republican? Independent? Who knows? Pro-war former Democrat. Neither adds nor subtracts on any roll." Amy: That's not a very good card. |
Pris: He could be useful. I don't know. I am going to play "Environmental Crisis." If you are elected, your plans to fix the environment will make everything worse. The Alaska oilmen's children will starve and the polar bears will all drown anyway.
Amy: That seems spurious. I am going to counter with an "Olympic-sized Distraction!" Get out of event free! America is way too busy thinking about what's going on in China, we don't have time to worry about the environment! OH, WAIT.
Pris: Rats. Now it's August.
Amy: I've picked "Joe Biden." He gets a plus on Foreign Affairs and Energy Crisis, and a minus on Partisanship. Here's an event. "Civil War Overseas!" You would so not know what to do if you were president right now. I have a huge brain trust of smart people assisting me in my smartness. I would know exactly what to do if I were president.
Pris: It seems most of my staff is on vacation. So my response will be "Evasion!" "This is not a civil war, this is the reasonable self-determination of a people."
Amy: Ah, very clever.
Pris: Odds win, evens lose. You get a 68. And I get... 69. Slick! McCain's looking good! Going into August. Amy: Now, I am down to 7 out of 10 and we haven't even gotten to the convention yet. Oh dear.
Pris: I am going to play "Mitt Romney." "Shameful secret: he's kind of a moderate. But don't spread it around. Never mind how he got elected in Massachusetts. Ha ha!" He gets bonuses on Crime, Energy Independence AN D Iraq Surge. Now an Event: my camp has evidence of an "Extramarital Action"! Roll to determine details.
Amy: That's a 4. What is my crime?
Pris: We suggest that you have been having sex with a prostitute.
Amy: Have you seen what I'm married to? She's a total babe! No way. My response card is "Mockery"!
Pris: Flip a coin! Amy: That seems like bad odds. Pris: Well, you never know how the public is going to respond to mockery. But you get to call it. Amy: Heads. And it's heads! I have mocked your ridiculous allegations and you lose a point. Bastard. Pris: McCain is down to 7 for the failure of his dirty, dirty tricks. And now it's time for the convention! All these VP cards we have been collecting are activated after this round. |
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Amy: Obama is going to choose... oh, what the hell. Tim Kaine. Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden stay in the Ally pile.
Pris: On the basis of his pro-war stance and traditional values, McCain is going to choose Joe Lieberman! Woo hoo!
Amy: Joe Lieberman??
Pris: Everyone is very surprised. Now the Veeps are chosen and it's September.
Amy: I'm going to play an event. "Caught on Live Mike." Roll a 6-sider to see what you said.
Pris: Number 4. A racial slur?! Yipes!
Amy: That's a minus 15 to any roll-off.
Pris: Luckily I can play another "Olympic-sized Distraction"!
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Amy: Augh! You get out of the event free?? The Olympics are over... what could it be? Nascar? Woodstock 3? Pris: Everybody is watching the NFL. McCain can say anything on mike anyway, nobody cares. Amy: Well, that's probably pretty accurate. Pris: Now it's my turn. I get endorsed by Tom Selleck. And I will continue my attempts to scrape up crappy, smeary dirt on you and your people. Amy: Aw, man! |
Pris: Yes, it's a "Scandal" card. Roll it.
Amy: It's a 6. What did I supposedly do?
Pris: You are accused of shredding important documents, perhaps related to your tax returns.
Pris: I get "Arnold Schwartzenegger." He might be more trouble than he's worth, but hey, I like him. I play a "Partisanship" event. You need to beat accusations of cronyism and divisiveness. I flip to add my special candidate attack! Heads, McCain has a "Burst o' Profanity" attack that always backfires, tails he gets a +5 for being a hero. Being a POW excuses anything, including adultery, thank you Sean Hannity. Bill Clinton shoulda gone to 'nam! Heads! Burst o' Profanity! %(*^#()&$*#!!
Amy: That's a -5 for you. Obama's special attack is "Taking the High Road." Oh, it's tails and a -5 on my roll! Astute listeners pick up on a snarky undertone. Pris: See where your elitist ways get you? Tsk.
Amy: Do I have allies who can counter that? Tim Kaine took a red state, he gives me a small +1 benefit against partisanship. Pris: I'll use my Tom Selleck card. I flip... and it's tails! Tom Selleck is completely irrelevant.
Amy: I'm using Stevie Wonder. Everyone loves him. Let's see if it gives me a point. Nope. So I'm at -5 on this roll-off. Pris: I'm at -6 and I'm going to bring out Arnold to make me look not quite so stupid after that Tom Selleck debacle. He's going to make a speech about the environment. Dammit! Tails! Noooo! People are mocking him! I have used every possible trick to support this partisanship accusation. Amy: Let's just roll. OK . A 69 minus 5 is a 64. Pris: 50 minus 7 is a 43. I lose another electability point. Accusations of partisanship got me exactly— |
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Amy: Bubkes. Ha, ha, ha!
Pris: We're in Election Month. I'm so far behind that there is no way I can win, but I will certainly try.
Amy: I am going to throw down a "Rally"! Both parties roll 10-siders to determine attendance. My rally was crappily attended, because I just rolled a 3.
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Pris: Oh! My rally was even more poorly attended with a 1. America does not care about the election. Amy: Even in November. That really sucked. Pris: My last event is "Attack"! I go on the offensive. Rock-paper-scissors for one point. [Ro-sham-bo ensues] Amy: My scissors cut your paper! |
Pris: Ow. That's the end of the election.
Amy: Really? Barack Obama has 7 electability points.
Pris: John McCain has only 4. This has been an interesting game. Now we just have to get Steve Jackson to buy it from us and we'll be rich enough to buy our own elections.