Obama Won! And It’s All Your Fault

Disclaimer: Issue #12 of 16 Blocks Magazine went to press on November 5th, but regardless of who actually won, we won’t deprive you of double your fair share of satire.

Now that you lily-livered, weak-in-the-knees, tree-hugging, baby-killing, terrorist lovers have stolen the election, don’t say we didn’t warn you. This is what Americans have to look forward to in the coming years: All pregnancies will be terminated via abortion and all men 12 and over will be vasectomized by hand-picked teams of atheist and Satanist medical workers (in full compliance with the HHS document HHS-OS-2008-0011-0001, “Ensuring that Department of Health and Human Services Funds Do Not Support Coercive or Discriminatory Policies or Practices In Violation of Federal Law”). All already-born children will be forced to attend public schools with mandatory sex education featuring in-class demonstrations, and science classes that brainwash them about evolution, global warming and bleeding-heart garbage about “endangered species.” The army and nuclear programs will be downsized and the funding redirected to Public Radio and Communist artists that put crosses in cups of pee. There will be nothing at the theaters but Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand and Sean Penn movies, and nothing on the radio except Diane Rehm, “A Prairie Home Companion” and the Dixie Chicks.

Democrats are completely inexperienced at domestic terrorism, so President Obama will overpay a think tank of experts to determine whether gun shows, Rush Limbaugh tapings or KKK rallies would be the most effective targets, and whether to attack with lectures, coddling or Freudian talk-therapy.

In preparation for 12/12/12 (divide it in half and you get TWO 666s), Obama will overpay a group of egghead academics and Christian-hating scientists to experiment with stem cells, aborted fetuses and cloning to create a nuclear-powered, seven-headed, ten-horned, talking sea monster that shoots lasers out of its mouth.

While the country is mesmerized by the sea monster’s appearances on YouTube, Saturday Night Live, David Letterman and the Daily Show, Obama’s administration will federalize all the banks. Obama’s private army made up of Muslim extremists, Black Panthers, and the Weathermen will enforce universal tattooing of bar codes on all citizens for access to bank accounts, social security benefits and universal health care.

Tragically, our most patriotic citizens will be forced to give up their sixth and seventh homes and convert their Humvees to biodiesel, while the lazy lower class will be living high on the hog eating free government cheese in subsidized housing.

This is why we have fought tooth and nail for all these years against giving up our 200 million semi-automatic handguns, .38 Special and .357 revolvers, 12 gauge shotguns, AK-47 assault rifles, M16s and AR-15s, Remingtons, Rugers, Glocks and Berettas. We will put our trust in General John McCain, who will lead us into battle (after the Bush family has safely retreated to their 90-thousand-acre ranch in Paraguay to escape criminal charges and potential nuclear fallout). Civil war is coming and it is ALL YOUR FAULT!