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THE BURNED-OUT NEWSPAPERCREATURES GUILD'S NEWSLETTER
BONG Bull
Copyright (c) 2001 by BONG. All rights reserved
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(Note: That's bong-ELL, not bong-ONE.)
For April 2, 2001. Sure, drop into the press room any time you like,
Dubbya. No need for formal press conferences, but bring your own
refreshments, and we play only with our cards, warns the Burned-Out
Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 587!
GHOSTS IN THE WOODWORK. Not to worry, South China Morning Post.
Exorcists or not, all great newspapers have ghosts, and they should be
nurtured and enjoyed.
Be grateful for ghosts' help when that phone call breaks through the
jam to get you playoff tickets or diddles the coffee machine that coughs
up $7 in change for a two-bit cup of joe. It is as if an occult hand had
arranged that open parking space, and jammed the parking meter on 51
minutes for a special pal (and no giving the photographers credit for
that one; squirting water into a coin slot in freezing weather doesn't
always work, and besides, the space first has to be open for metercicles
to be worth the trouble anyway).
Ghosts mutter editors' names in the South China Morning Post ladies'
can? Well, hearing one's name in public places is part and parcel of the
business. You want low profile, work for U.S. News & World Report.
Furthermore, a newspaper with ghosts is a newspaper that has made it.
If stains ("The Wes Hills Memorial Scorch," say), persistent drain flaws
and carpet rips have names, so too should newspapers exult in their
mysterious occult links, which too sadly often are invoked only in
otherworldly events, as when Knight-Ridder executives get 6-figure
bonuses while K-R journalists get the sack.
Nay, we say, leave the ghosts alone, South China Morning Post! Better
you should find out which of the deskers made the peephole, and why he
can't keep his big yap shut!
DIRTY MINDS. "You need a dirty mind to edit a clean newspaper," often
said Paul Kern Lee, legendary AP news editor in San Francisco in the
'50s and '60s. I had the honor of working with PKL for almost 10 years
in the '70s and '80s when he was the ombudsman of feed/back, the
California journalism review, and I was far too wet behind the ears."
Thus spake David M. Cole Editor & Publisher: The
Cole Papers; NEWSINC. And so the papers of the era maintained family
values, except of course for those Australian bathing beauty pix. And
nobody quarreled with a little payola in the cigars-in-photos thing.
Nobody had heard of Monica Lewinsky yet.
-- "Here at the Philly Daily News, 'awareness of what dirty-minded
people will make' of headlines used to be part of the job description.
When I was working the copy desk in the '80s, the slot didn't even blink
at this one, on a story about a charity fund to maintain a City Hall
monument which, when viewed at a certain angle, reveals more than
Alexander Calder intended:
WILLIAM PENN STATUE IS WELL-ENDOWED
"Alas, more recently, the bigs have frowned at such wordplay. A
couple years ago, another lowly copy editor got reamed for writing this
one about a young woman beheaded by her lover, a sailor in Athens: SLAIN
MODEL LOVED HER GREEK SEAMAN.
"Sophomoric? Yeah, but if newspapers aren't good for an occasional
laugh, what good are they?
"Thanks, and here's hoping you keep up the good work at BONG's new
front office in whatthefuckareyouthinking Texas." -- Don Russell
ON THE ROAD AGAIN. Thanks to all who wired congrats and otherwise on the
Chief Copyboy's move to the San Antonio Express-News, underway even as
this issue of the Bull wings planetward. A sample:
-- "Wow. Dayton to San Antonio. One garden spot and citadel of
journalistic excellence to another. Charley, I don't care how much you
drink, and even if the police still have the negatives of the incident
with the German shepherd, you don't have to do this. Stop before you
become just another red river wetback." -- An old nation's capital pal.
-- "Best o' luck in your new gig. Your description of the Dayton
Daily News made me proud to be a Buckeye ...! Will there ever be a
mention of the fine J-school at Ohio University? Or the even finer R-TV
school?" -- Rich Rarey, Master Control Supervisor, National Public
Radio. (No. Those rowdies from Missouri use every excuse to blizzard the
mailbox. That's why we ring the bell at one only Mizzou mention per
issue. And besides, we are proud of our journalism education from
Arizona State University. Signed, the Editer.)
-- "Good wishes to you as you head south. Try to earn enough there to
buy dozens of copies of my first collection, which the University of
Missouri (ba-DING) Press now promises to publish this fall." -- Bill
Tammeus, The Kansas City Star.
-- "It does a transplanted Texan proud. I am looking forward to
telling my old-timer friends (you know -- those of us who have been on
the desk for five or more years) that BONG is back
in town. Good luck, and don't forget your sunscreen." --
Mike Merschel
-- "Good luck. I've been to Texas. I know people from Texas. I've
even hitchhiked through Texas. Charley, good luck. I've been to Texas."
-- Alex Yaron, Palm Springs
-- "I am excited that I will be able to meet you in person after
reading your newsletter for several years. Which desk will you join,
news, sports, or features?" -- Andy Thomas .
(Desks? We get desks? -- Ed.)
-- "Congrats and good luck in San Antonio!" -- Damon (Beau) Boughamer
-- "... I'm sure you'll be able to shake the
snowflakes out of your system and get used to the siestas. Only worry,
as I see it, is that you'll lose your edge, not being tempered by the
hardass Ohio Winters and all. Good luck, good buddy, and don't let those
down-home cowboys sweet talk ya into submission." -- Bob Wandstraat,
Aotearoa (N.Z.)
"Dayton will never be the same without ya. But then again, San
Antonio won't be the same with ya, either, will it?" -- Doug Fisher
-- "Congrats on the move. I'm not sure, however, if even Texas is big
enough for you and Molly Ivins. They sure have some great music coming
out of there, and where else can you get two syllables out of the word
'cry.'" -- Doug Pizzi
-- "If you don't yet have a Handbook of Texas published by the Dallas
Morning News, make that your very first Texas purchase, even before a
Corona with lime, before taquitos, well, maybe not before a good map of
San Antonio .... Good luck, and as the T-shrts given to Austin
American-Statesman staffers (and maybe Dayton, too) who leave: No Longer
A Sucker of Cox." -- Peggy Vlerebome . (Too late to be
first before the Corona; there are no good maps of San Antonio, which
after all must depict San Antonio streets; hello, DMN keyword router
recipients, how's mominem? -- Ed.)
-- "Just to wish you well on your Lone Star venture. Are those book
royalties gonna help with the pension?" -- Dave Farrell
. (Book royalties help with everything,
including general health, attitude and bartender relations. -- Ed.)
-- "A small tip that they may not include in the stylebook for your new
home nation: 'Y'all' is a collective noun. They
may not be able to *spell* it, but they know how to
use it." -- Gina E. Fann
-- "San Antonio has always been a fave town of mine.... and remember
what the old bluesman said: 'There's so much shit in Texas, you're bound
to step in some.'" -- Paul
COURTSHIP CUSTOMS. The Express-News' new boy, years away from the
childhood home in Texas, was puzzled by the ritual of southern ladies'
greeting by snapping open all the buttons of the men's cowboy shirts in
one great snatch. Does this connote marriage? The Recruiting and Secret
Rituals Committee asked a select panel of lady newsmen:
-- "No, darlin'. She's checking to see if you're wearing a wire." --
Anne Saker
-- "Depends. Is she already your cousin?" -- M.A.J. McKenna
-- "Just engaged. The Marriage buttons are lower down." --
Miriam Ungerer (Sheed)
WHO SAID TO NEVER SPLIT INFINITIVES? Once more into the breach, forget
Shakespeare, forget Victorian obsession with those one-word Latin
infinitives, it's OK to freely split infinitives as long as you're
certain to always clarify the meaning. That's the campaign of K.T.
Cannon-Eger and other grammarians who try to
widely disseminate the news that the Chicago Manual of Style says
splitting's cool. Even our pal Bill Walsh at
http://www.theslot.com is kind enough to openly say, "Infinitives ...
should be written the way they sound best. Good writers are good judges
of this."
And so to sleep, to perchance dream. Aye, there's the rub...
MISSPELTS. Pris Sears is quite taken with the
thoughtfulness of some Web site owners who register not only their
proper names, but also the typos. Thus http://www.mirriamwebster.com/
backstops for http://www.merriamwebster.com/ ("I think it is very
appropriate that a dictionary site would buy up misspelled versions of
its domain name. The only other site I have seen that uses that kind of
cleverness is http://www.microsfot.com/ but I am sure there are
others.")
SPEED & TYPO TAKE TIME OFF. The photo lab yard sale audit went long and
the Deft Duo missed rehearsals. They'll be back in the next edition.
Hopping down the old jalapeno trail this week somewhere between Cincy
and Austin (or, if the sendoffs continue, Schenectady and Tijuana), the
Chief Copyboy is out of pocket for a few days but will be checking the
mail: copyboy@dma.org.
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